A first meeting works best when both people move past small talk quickly. The questions below reveal more in ten minutes than an hour of favourite colours and hobbies.
Ask about ordinary days, not ideal ones #
Everyone can describe the person they intend to be. Fewer can describe last Tuesday. Ask what a normal weekday actually looks like - what time they wake, when they pray, what they do after work, who they see at the weekend. The answer tells you what living with this person would be like, which is the thing you are actually trying to find out.
Ask how they handle disagreement #
Not "do you argue" - everyone says no. Ask about a specific disagreement they have had with a parent or a sibling, and what happened afterwards. Whether they went quiet for a week, whether they apologised, whether they still think they were right. How someone repairs a relationship matters more than whether they damage it, because everyone damages one eventually.
Ask about money plainly #
It is uncomfortable and it is unavoidable. Who is expected to earn, whether both will work, what happens if one of you stops, how much is sent to family, whether there are debts. Couples who leave this to be discovered later discover it at the worst possible time.
Questions worth asking early
Where would we live, and near whose family? Do you want children, and roughly when? What does a religious household mean to you in practice? What would you expect me to change? What is your family like when things go wrong?
Ask what they expect from you #
This one is often skipped and it is the most revealing. A person who has thought seriously about marriage has expectations, and can say them out loud. A person who says "nothing, just be yourself" either has not thought about it or is not telling you. Neither is reassuring.
What to listen for #
- Specifics. Vague answers to concrete questions usually mean the question has not been considered.
- Consistency. The picture at the end should match the picture at the start.
- How they speak about family. Contempt for a parent or a sibling travels.
- Whether they ask you anything. A conversation in one direction is not a conversation.
What not to do #
Do not interview. A list read out in order makes people give the answers they think are wanted, and you learn nothing. Ask two or three of these properly, follow where the answers lead, and leave the rest for a second conversation.
And do not decide on one evening. Structured introductions are designed to give you a reason to talk again, not a verdict. What happens after an event is described in the questions page.
